So, What's the Worst Thing You've Ever Seen?
A Stupid Fucking Question, and Why You Shouldn't Ask It.
TRIGGER WARNING:
This segment will dive into real calls and experiences I have had. Including the death of children, domestic violence, sexual assault, etc.
PEER SUPPORT:
If you or someone you love is experiencing triggers, suicidal thoughts, or emotions you don’t want to handle alone, please; reach out. Boots On The Ground is a 24/7 Peer Support Line for First Responders, by First Responders. Their number is 1-833-677-BOOT(2669) or online at BootsOnTheGround.ca If you, or someone you know is experiencing Domestic Violence, please know that you are not alone. You deserve to feel safe. You can contact Calgary Victim’s Assistance at 403-869-3256
Whenever someone asks me “what’s the worst thing that you’ve ever seen?” I cringe. My heart sinks, and I scream inside. The response I want to give is a combination of shaking sense into the person asking, and nothing at all. Or, something that will make them so unbelievably uncomfortable, that they turn and walk the other way.
It’s a cruel question to ask. By asking what the worst thing I have seen, or any first responder for that matter, you are asking me (us) to re-live some of the worst moments in our career, and possibly one of the worst traumas of our lives. You’re asking us to go back to that day, to relive those feelings, and to potentially relive that moment for a while beyond answering your question.
I get it, people are curious. Morbidly so. People want to know what “super nasty thing” we’ve seen. Usually they expect to hear about is the hoarder home, covered in animal feces and bugs. Or the times we’ve been pooped on, spit on, etc.
What they usually don’t expect, is the truth…
Suicide Attempt- 2016
A beautiful soul was going through an intense custody battle. Finding out that things were becoming increasingly difficult with the courts, the other parent, and family; this person saw only one solution. Ending their life. This person had been pulled so far into the vicious depression cycle, that they sliced their wrists from elbow to the tip of their middle finger, down to the bone.
With blood all over the bedroom, they were barely conscious when I arrived. Family members had found them, and thankfully made the call in time. This person, as far as I know; lived.
Race Gone Wrong
A group of 4 people were racing their vehicle on a Calgary street. They exceeded speeds of 120km/hr in a 60km/hr speed zone. Unable to stop in time, their vehicle hit an innocent person’s vehicle at an intersection. The engine of the speeding car left the vehicle. This was all preventable!
This caused so much death. My patient died shortly after arriving at the hospital. two others died shortly after, and the innocent woman they hit died on scene. As I was assessing the patients and triaging them, I stepped on gum. I didn’t really think anything of it. Gum is gum, right?
Nope. Not this gum. Because that isn’t what it was. It was brain matter, and it was stuck to my boot.
Recycling Truck
Christmas is supposed to be a time of love, joy and togetherness. A time when our stresses are put behind us, and we celebrate family and our blessings.
Unfortunately, it was also a time when an elderly man was driving on a Calgary road, and hit a patch of black ice. As his car spun, he slid into the path of an oncoming recycling truck, and went right underneath it. When we arrived, it took about an hour for us and various other teams of responders to extricate this man from the vehicle.
It was cold, and snowing, 3 days before Christmas, and he was out running errands to make sure everything came together perfectly for his family. This man did not die as a result of the accident, but I have never felt so many broken bones in my life, and I haven’t to this day in my career. The pain he was in was intense; with a broken pelvis, multiple broken ribs, arms, legs, collar bone and various dislocations.
“Christmas is supposed to be a happy time”, was something he repeated to me throughout my time with him.
Dead on Arrival
My first dead patient, ever. An elderly woman with a lengthy medical history, living with her husband of 50 years. She walked herself to the bathroom at some point in the night. She fell in the hallway, presumably on her way back to bed, and her heart stopped. Her body was stuck between the bathroom doorframe, and the hallway closet. She landed face first in her laundry basket.
I remember wanting to move this poor woman back to bed. Wanting to tuck her in beside her husband who had dementia. I wanted so much, to give her the dignity that she had lacked in that moment. But, anyone that has been in a similar situation knows we can’t move the body until the medical examiner (M.E) has been there to take over. I settled for covering the body with a blanket.
While awaiting the M.E’s arrival, this woman’s husband kept asking me where his wife was, and when she would be home. I must have told him a dozen times that she had died.
Makeup Brush
A child discovering their sexuality, and where they stand in the world…
A child… an unsuccessful suicide attempt… and homicidal ideation.
A child, raped with a makeup brush. At the hands of another child.
. . .
The Opioid Crisis
I’m not sure if this one is more the sight, or the smell.
We were called to a young woman who’s mother knew exactly what happened to her. When we arrived, the first words out of the mother’s mouth were “she’s dead”.
Mama was right. Unfortunately her child had overdosed on a multitude of drugs, and was laying there on the bed. It had been a few days. The smell of death hit us like a wall.
Or maybe the answer should be the broken face of a domestic violence victim, who got hit with a cast iron pan…
..wait no, the children who watched the fire department do compressions on their grandfather until I told them to stop…
..Ah, nope, probably the cardiac arrest where I got blood on my face…
Saying first responders are not affected by their work; is like saying you can go swimming and not get wet.
-Author Unknown
At 28 years old, I can confidently, and accurately say that I have seen some shit.
Some shit that I wouldn’t want anyone else to see.
The examples I listed above don’t even really scratch the surface of the shit I have seen in my career. Those are just some of the ones that immediately come to mind when asked that stupid question.
I genuinely don’t think the majority of people mean any malice in asking, (some probably do, as that’s just the way the world works), and really are just curious, but the ill effects linger.
… and linger.
One time in my career have I been asked that question, with appropriate follow up.
ONE TIME. Out of the many times I have been asked.
And the way it was asked made all the difference.
“Kelsey, what is the worst thing you have ever seen? I know this question may be hard to answer, and please don’t feel obligated to answer. I want to get into EMS, and I want to adequately prepare myself for the things I may see one day.”
I could’ve hugged that young man.
The way he asked me was so respectful; and so genuine. I was able to ground myself, and answer it. Openly, and honestly.
Among the wildly awful shit I have seen; there have been many moments that were truly heartwarming and beautiful.
I got to be a vital part of the delivery of a gorgeous, healthy little girl; before I was even finished school.
I’ve had many conversations with the elderly. Everything from fishing, to why I have the tattoos I have, to them wondering if I am married or not; and if I will adopt them as my new grandparents. (Obviously the answer is yes, and I have now lost count of how many grandmas I have)
While still sad, and hard to think about; I was able to provide comfort for a beautiful patient, dying of cancer; in her final moments. We cried together, we laughed together, and we cried together again.
It’s easy to focus on the awful shit. But this career has had a plethora of beauty as well.
Please, be mindful of the questions you ask, and how you ask them. Not every question has a simple answer, and not every answer ends when the conversation is over.
While these stories are real, to respect the privacy of all involved; names, ages, genders and other identifying information has been changed. Any connection to persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
This was hard. I read it with a heavy, heavy heart, but I pushed through because I know that you did too. I'm sorry that the question rolls so easily off tongues and lodges so heavily on your shoulders. You are so, so strong, my friend.