Up Shit Creek Without a Paddle

The Beauty of Surrender

Ever felt like you’re floating up Shit Creek, without a paddle?

Yep.
Me too.

You’ve probably all seen Finding Nemo, and have heard Dory sing “just keep swimming, just keep swimming”. Its a wonderful analogy, to just keep swimming. Just keep fighting. Just don’t give up. But; what about when you can’t swim anymore?

You’ve swam and swam, and swam; against the current. Against the shit pulling you down. Maybe you’re scared. Maybe, you’re realizing that this particular swim is just too fucking hard. The water is cold. Its fast moving, its murky. You’re too tired, the water is too deep, you don’t have a boat, no paddle, no life jacket.

Nothing.

Nothing but you, and the river of shit you’re in. Giving up would mean drowning. Right?
“Surrender” means stop swimming, which in turn; means “Give up and drown” right?

Not really, no.

I am telling you, to try it. Surrender. Go with the current.

Float along, go with the current, put your feet up, and steer with your arms toward shore. If you’ve ever been white water rafting; you’ve likely heard this statement in the safety briefing, which tells you how to not drown, should you fly out of the boat, without a paddle. I am telling you the same thing. Surrendering won’t kill you, and you won’t drown.

What does this have to do with mental health?

SO MUCH!

At the beginning of my journey to healing, I found myself fighting, and sputtering, trying to keep my head above the water. I swam against the current, and I swam hard. Really fucking hard. So hard in fact, that I started to drown. I couldn’t fight the current anymore. I sure as hell wasn’t going to just give up and surrender. Not right away anyways.

But then I did, and I didn’t drown.

I surrendered to treatment. I went with the current, and guess what; I stopped aspirating river water. I stopped drowning. I surrendered to the fact that I couldn’t get better on my own. I surrendered to the fact that I needed help. I surrendered to the help that was there.

I went with the flow, and I started getting better. I began to feel less angry. Less insulted. Less scared, sad, terrified. I say less, because my healing journey is still very much happening. I am certainly not “healed”. But, I’m getting there.

Surrendering doesn’t always mean giving up. In this instance, it means mean allowing yourself to float to shore, and get help.

I floated into therapy with a female therapist, who specialized in First Responder Trauma. I went to a few sessions, we talked about some stuff, and then I fired her.

Kelsey! What?! You fired your therapist?! How is that helping you?!?!

YES… I… DID!
Because we didn’t jive. We didn’t connect. I didn’t feel that she was the right fit for me. But, I didn’t give up. I surrendered to the fact that this woman wasn’t working for me, and I found solace at Prairie Sky Equine Assisted Therapy (PSEAT).

Told ya I’d talk about the horses more.

If the help you’re receiving isn’t working for you, surrender it to the fuckit bucket, and find something else. Don’t give up on it per say, but do find something that works for you.

PSEAT worked for me, it opened me up, and the shit that I was holding back poured out. The shit I pushed back, shoved down and didn’t acknowledge; spewed out. Almost like popping a really big pimple.

Session after session, more and more shit came out. I processed it, and I let that shit go. I starved my trauma pathways, I learned coping mechanisms, and I recreated healthy neural pathways.

At PSEAT; we discussed the starvation of trauma pathways and interruption of the trauma loop. We discussed how to do that, and then we did it.

The trauma pathway is the trauma itself. The loop, is the story that it plays. Its the flashback, the intrusive thoughts, sounds, smells; all the shitty trauma things.

We talked about them, then we interrupted them. With the horses.

I would walk into the barn feeling heavy, sad, filled with intrusive thoughts. I’d smell the barn smell, and become distracted; I interrupted the trauma loop, and I didn’t let the tape play all the way to the end. By the end of the session, I walked out feeling lighter, in a better mindset, and feeling less generally like shit.

An intrusive thought about my husband dying would pop into my head, I could start to see it; I’d pick up Drifter’s foot and clean it out; interrupting the trauma loop, and stopping the tape. Anxiety would show it’s ugly face out in public, and I would start doing the “rainbow technique”; interrupting the trauma loop, and stopping the tape. A patient’s voice would play in my mind, I would lean into Drifter’s mane, and interrupt the trauma loop.

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The Rainbow Technique:
When in a time of crisis, a wonderful grounding technique could be the “rainbow technique”. Take a moment to find one thing that matches each color of the rainbow. One Red thing, Orange thing, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo/ Purple. Rinse, and repeat. As many times as needed.

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What do I mean by “stopping the tape?” I mean we are jamming a pencil into the hole, and rewinding the cassette. Yes, I just aged myself terribly on a public forum. Whatever.

It means pressing pause!
Rewind!

It means stopping the story, and doing something else. Not giving it the attention it demands. Doing this, is much like forgetting to water your plants. Eventually, they’ll dehydrate and die. So will your traumas. Interrupt the loop, starve them of attention, and eventually, they’ll fuck off.

All of the things I did at PSEAT interrupted the trauma circle. They did not allow the loop to spiral out of control, and take me down with it, and eventually; the neural pathways that these traumas burned into my brain were starved, and replaced with healthy neuro pathways.

Why do we want to do that?
Because when we interrupt the trauma loops, and stop the tape from playing through to the end, we are not allowing the trauma to take over. It makes it easier and easier to cope, to get ourselves through a “holy fuck” moment. Starving those trauma pathways allows us to make room for new, positive experiences. Like, hearing a horse eat, picking the dirt and schmutz out of Drifter’s feet (ha! that rhymed), or any other happy, amazing, positive thing.

And, obviously, because we really don’t want to continue to feel like we’re up Shit Creek without a paddle. It is giving us the paddle, and the ability to float to shore.

Try it.
Stop swimming.
Surrender.

It’ll be okay. =)